Anger

Anger is an expression of experiencing hurt or pain. Many of us were brought up with the notion that anger was negative. However, when channeled correctly, it can be both righteous and motivating.

Anger is a natural response to feelings of hurt, betrayal, loss, embarrassment, unmet needs, or the desire for connection met with rejection. It can also emerge from the inner child’s frustration about not having things its way. Interestingly, both anger and pain manifest in the same region of the brain. Both evoke feelings of being unsafe or threatened, and both activate the sympathetic nervous system. When anger intensifies, you may notice a corresponding increase in pain or muscle tension.

Behind every burst of anger lies another emotion. Is it a feeling of being threatened? Disrespected, confused, out of control, or fear of abandonment? Identifying and naming the underlying emotion can reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed and promote more productive conversations. Am I sad, mad, frustrated, restless, confused, or anxious?

When anger arises, probe deeper. Is there another emotion yearning to be acknowledged? Is there a feeling I need to convey, or an unmet need I could address myself? How do you perceive anger? What beliefs or feelings surface?

For many, anger is associated with negative beliefs, perhaps inherited from childhood experiences. You might think: “Anger is bad,” “Good girls don’t get angry,” or fear that expressing anger might make you unlikable. Such suppression, however, can be harmful. Denying an emotion might lead to ailments or heightened pain. Suppressed anger might manifest physically as muscle tension, fatigue, irritability, or even as bouts of rage.

Anger, when examined, can reveal its true nature. Often, it might be grief or another emotion lurking underneath. Anger doesn’t appear without a reason. It may arise from feelings of vulnerability or threats. It seeks safety and security. Sources of anger might include relationship issues, job loss, feeling ignored, unacknowledged, unheard, or invisible.

Anger is a call to action, often highlighting unmet needs. Simply releasing anger, like punching a pillow, isn’t always beneficial; it can reactivate an already sensitive nervous system. Instead, harness anger constructively, allowing it to inspire positive change. Take responsibility for your emotions, and avoid laying blame. Confront beliefs like “He/she must love me,” or “People should not let me down,” as these can leave you feeling stuck.

Identifying what specifically triggers your anger can be revealing. Is it the current situation, or is it reminiscent of a past event? Acknowledge your feelings in the moment, for suppressed emotions can later resurface from the subconscious.

Possible emotions behind anger might include feeling betrayed, hurt, humiliated, or unseen. If not fully confronted, you might never understand their true nature. Often, the root of anger is a feeling of powerlessness. If you felt empowered, you likely wouldn’t be angry. This powerlessness, coupled with pain (whether emotional or physical), can make situations feel unresolvable. Anger steps in as a defense mechanism against this vulnerability.

Rather than trying to suppress or calm these feelings, navigate through them. Recognize and admit them: “I am genuinely angry,” or “I am truly sad.” Finding safety within oneself, cultivating awareness, and being present are the keys.