6. Chronic Pain, Self-Esteem & Attachments

Pain can distort one’s overall perception of life, contributions, and past accomplishments. People may experience significant losses due to pain: jobs, finances, lifestyle, love, and even the ability to walk. But perhaps the most challenging is when you lose your perceived identity—this can mean things and people you once identified with, such as jobs, romantic partners, family status, and hobbies.

It’s a grieving process when illness and chronic pain transform you into someone you no longer recognize. This change can be profound. You may find your appearance altered, your behaviour and speech patterns different, or you might need aids like a cane or a wheelchair. Such changes can be devastating, leading to a loss of confidence and low self-esteem. Pain undeniably reshapes your life and the person you thought you were, which is why it’s common to experience negative emotions like worry, anger, and depression. The feeling of not being validated by others can amplify this. Often, you may refrain from seeking help or expressing a desire for connection, convinced you’d be a burden. A young woman, for instance, might question whether her circumstances might affect someone’s willingness to be in a relationship with her, particularly in cultures where women with disabilities might not fit the conventional definition of beauty or the ideal female form.

But let’s pause and reflect: What is self-esteem? It isn’t just about our external circumstances; at its core, it’s a spiritual dilemma. The crux of our suffering stems from forgetting our true essence.

It’s not just our illnesses or chronic pain that cause suffering but deep-rooted issues that existed even before the onset of pain:

1. Our desires
2. Attachments
3. Beliefs

These elements can make us feel tense, frustrated, nervous, insecure, and fearful. It’s vital to recognize and challenge our misconceptions. Sometimes, we hold these beliefs so dearly that they become ingrained in us. Understand the fear of losing the familiar world of desires, attachments, social pressures, tensions, ambitions, worries, and guilt—with the intermittent pleasures and relief they offer.

Often, there’s a reluctance to let go of your former self because that’s the reality you’re familiar with. Inside your mind exists a programmed set of demands about how the world and you should be.

Who programmed these beliefs? Not just you. Many factors, like parents, society, culture, religion, and past experiences, have influenced you. When the world doesn’t align with these pre-programmed beliefs, negative emotions and pain emerge.

Similarly, personal traits like perfectionism, a tendency to please others, and self-criticism often stem from societal expectations. If you find yourself troubled when life doesn’t match these expectations, remember: it’s not external events but your internal programming causing distress.

Here are some tips to navigate these challenges:

1. Recognize your inherent worth, independent of your abilities or achievements.
2. To find happiness and freedom, first understand the societal programming that has influenced you.
3. Self-esteem doesn’t hinge on material success, approval, or physical appearance.
4. Reflect on losses due to illness or pain, recognizing the weight of these attachments.
5. Step back and observe your feelings, recognizing that pain can amplify these emotions.
6. Embrace self-appreciation, including accepting your disability or pain.
7. Cultivate gratitude for your present circumstances.
8. Avoid comparisons with others.
9. Discover new avenues of self-expression.
10. Grieve for your “former self” and come to terms with your current reality.
11. Create meaningful connections and seek support when needed.
12. Treat yourself with respect.
13. Understand and address your needs.
14. Seek validation and empathy from others.
15. Engage in new hobbies to distract from pain.
16. Exercise, if possible, to harness the benefits of endorphins.
17. Balance your activities, especially on good and bad days.
18. Foster new friendships.
19. Celebrate your body’s capabilities, no matter how they’ve changed.
20. Document positive thoughts about yourself.
21. Maintain hope; pain doesn’t define your future.
22. Release your attachments, realizing that happiness doesn’t depend on external factors.

By addressing these attachments and misconceptions, you pave the way for contentment in any situation you encounter.